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barely breathing.

i don’t need a solution. i don’t need a way out. i just need to know why. i just need to know all the phonecalls and all the emails are just pure reminiscence. they aren’t anything more. i doubt ive got the stamina to play this game. forget the fact that it might be getting old, cos looking back on the one true love never gets old. i’m just getting tired of having to deal with the fact that while everything is happening, with or without your knowledge, i’m stuck here, with nothing. why haven’t i got the power to go out and trust again? where do i look? doesn’t seem like only the trust in men has disappeared. it seems like i rarely trust people, period. i keep telling myself that i cannot afford to let my emotions show. what if history repeats itself? what am i going to do, when that small group of people i believe in, decide to turn their back on me,again? i doubt i could deal with this again. just feels like i need to breathe some other form of air to show myself the ability of people around me. to prove to myself that, there just might be a certain someone who would not take me for a ride, would not take my friendship for granted. why am i overly cautious, when i am. and overly trusting when i am? why do i end up trusting the wrong group of people? is it some kind of twisted fight within myself? all i need now, is an answer G. why ALLE of all things? are you planning on telling me? are you expecting some specific reaction? i need to let go of you. your group of friends. only then will i be able to move on. i’m always tempted to break my promise of not drinking whenever i’m with any one of them. the pure bliss of recklessness seems to tempt me more and more. i need to meet the best friend more often. or i’ll be back at square one in no time. i can just forsee the future. knowing my weak wimpy self. i’ll be back, wasted the entire week. not the way i want to live my life, ever again. this is the realistic side of me talking, you do see it, dont you? cos when have i ever been known to give a fuck what others think, or even what happens to me. i am the only who literally lives in the moment, remember? sometimes, i miss my old self. i wish i did not have the future to think of.


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