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off to the gutter.

i just got home not too long ago.

after taking a train back to PR, then all the way to BL and then back to T, only to end up along the shore of darling Changi Beach.

I walked and walked and walked. and then i sat and tried to think. I started screaming so hard that it made me sob. I sobbed like a mad idiot.

Look at the mess, Ive brought upon myself.

Im barely 20 and here i am feeling so bloody tired of living.

I havent achieved jack to call my own.

Maybe a nice track record.  I just don’t get it, why can’t i fucking be like other normal kids, go to school, make their parents happy. why do i always find myself in some screwed up situation? i’m so emotionally tired and drained.

i dont see the need to wake up everyday. live the same routine over and over again. it gets so tiring and upsetting seeing my life this way. I wish i had more to call my own.

Someone should put in a small room with no form of human contact. I just want everyone to leave me alone. I just want to make something out of myself. I want to show my parents my capabilities. Being the wonderful parents they always are, the last thing they deserve is a fucked daughter like myself.

I’m so tired of being lied to, being played around with. I’m tired of always doubting everyone. I’m tired of not having anyone to count on. I’m tired of hiding everything from people.

He emailed me. Maybe im used to him, maybe with G, i just know what to expect if he screws up. so therefore i won’t be too shocked if something were to screw up. Its just in me to anticipate screw ups, be it when i’m alone or with someone.

all i ever wanted was someone who would respect me for all i was. someone who could talk to me, who could make me laugh. obviously thats not good for me. the one i got decided to respect me and fuck other chicks. cheers to my love life. or the lack of it, rather.

walks do me good, id rather be alone then be surrounded by people. i’m so tired of pretending. pretending to be all so happy when all i wanna do is bury myself in the ground.


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