should,would,could have.

the three words i hate, im forced to use. 

i was intending to write a whole entry on how rich people around the world seem to go all out of their way to make lives of those below them pure hell.

but things changed when i read a friend’s entry. today, what happened to me a few years ago, happened to someone i know. someone i have come to like immensely. unfortunately, it was due to my foolishness. my intention of making one person happy and content blew up in someone else’s face. the one thing i always swore i would never partake it, i have fully caused. pure sadness to one i call a friend. betrayal, how i know it hurts. and when you spoke, i felt my entire past engulf me, and i wanted to stab myself ten times over for i knew the discomfort i have caused you.

i wish i could make you see, how i regret, i wish i could go back in time, change all that happened. i would have told her how i felt, i wouldnt have bottled it, like how i’m so used to. my need to keep the friendship going kept me from speaking the truth.  god knows how often i asked myself why trust her, i should be making my own decisions. and i did, though indulging in speaking ill, i still tried my best to play my part as a friend. i always tried to push the time when we had to talk cos my conscience pricked like hell. why allow myself to be influenced by ones opinion? i really don’t have an answer to that.

there isn’t an explanation, there isn’t an excuse. it’s just me, admitting my mistakes and asking for forgiveness. Maybe you could bash the shit out of me, if it would bring back what we had in the past few days, please bash me. i like what we were becoming. it was something i hadn’t experienced.

in this past few days, where it was just you and i, i felt i got to know you for all that you really are. I go to know you as a person, and when i saw how you tried as hell to make me see her point of view. i felt my heart clench, i felt like myself. i just saw myself in you. i saw how my friends took me for a ride, and i went numb. i saw it happening to you. how i hate myself for that.

its been a while since ive hoped this badly for something. but now i hope, and i pray, i get another chance. Just another try. I want to be me. I want to be who i was around you.

I wish i could make your pain go away. I wish i could make it all okay.

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cassuarina curry.

hung out with bazilah and razinah.dinner at cassurina(: we still prefer thomson. thomson’s home.hahaha. tonight as we had our dinner, we talked of how everything has left us with no time for each other. i had to shake my head. i don’t even have time for my good friends. two people who helped me through the bullshit i went through in nanyang. how did it come to this. tonight i promised them, it would be different. since school’s out, i have more time. and it will be back to basics. back to how we all were. it was really fun. we talked about everything. from how school has terribly changed with all of going our own ways, to our wonderful dream of opening our own cafe!! logistics, HRM and RTM. HAHAHA. i cannot believe we had that dream since year1. we spoke of our current classmates. as i sat there, listening to them, i realized how smiliar we are. more ways than one. how one of us says one thing, and all of us shake our heads. thanks bazilah for the presnt, you know what i want(: i loved the card. that night at the carpark, we will relive it once again on wednesday!! i’m really excited. back to basics. rabasha:D i love them both to bits.

which reminds me, i have tons of people to meet. usha, serene, charlene, sunny, harie, daphne, jeanne, vincente, bav,vanitha,sivan, khorkai,minyi,raj. NOT TERRY. its going to be packed this holidayyss. we havent found the time to hang out like we used to. really hang out, everythings always so rushed. we rarely have time to sit down and really catch up.

i finally have the time to take things slow. one step at a time. now all i have to focus on is the graduation project. i’m glad i won’t have to go to school. spending three hours where we don’t do much. won’t have to see people whom i’m just tired of seeing. the feeling of seeing them too often has gotten to me. i don’t know why, i never felt that in nanyang.i always looked forward to school. maybe its cos we all had a ulterior motive. be it stitch or argentina or mr boo or ROAR or mrgan. hanging out in SPT, gym, lifestly, PrettyFace.

MAN I HAVE SO MANY MEMORIES IN NANYANG. the umbrellas, south canteen, smoking area, north canteen, STADIUM, carpark and lastly, mcds. big sigh. nights where we left nanyang around 10ish 11.

hahaha, damn. ohwell. on to other things, parents bought me my ipod and new camera(: how nice of them. dinner at hyatt with the family for my birthday too. then we had jeevan’s birthday lunch at goodwood park. ahhh.

alright. i think i’m about done updating. oh, i need GA season3.

takes two to tango

i received a letter. he finally replied. nothing solid’s running through my head. just everything that took place during the years of us. it was nice of him to let me know she hasn’t the slightest clue what goes through his mind every night. i’m thinking of something, anything to say. he wasn’t the only one who did not think it would ever come to an end. i believed in eternity too. unfortunately reality has shown us otherwise.

it’s going to be alright. i don’t feel it, but i have to keep telling myself. it’s the same thing i’ll tell everyone. it never feels like its going to get better. but it will, cos if it doesn’t, it just isn’t the end. and if it isn’t the end, you know you don’t have much of a choice but to keep holding on. don’t have to hold on to some kind of faith, just tell yourself; it has to get better. who cares how long it takes, or how it gets better. whats important is that it does get better, and we are put out of our misery.

gotta say, self inflicted pain never felt so good. i always kicked myself for getting into trouble, hanging out with the wrong people, trusting the wrong people. everything is self inflicted. no one to blame, but yourself. coming to terms with it is usually a lot harder. i’m surprised it feels this good to blame myself for the downfall.

on to more important things. gst will soon be 7%. we work our behinds off to earn those few dollars. they charge us 7% for rewarding ourselves, for all the parties we skipped to earn the few extra bucks. nice work. we have to pay for the poor people  who can’t afford to buy their own place. and people ask us, why we want to leave this place.

You know, I’ve seen a lot of what the world can do
And it’s breaking my heart in two.
Cause I never want to see you sad girl
Don’t be a bad girl.

But if you wanna leave, take good care.
Hope you make a lot of nice friends out there.
Just remember, there’s a lot of bad and beware.

Oooooh baby, it’s a wild world.
It’s hard to get by just upon a smile.
Ooooooh baby, baby, it’s a wild world.
I’ll always remember you like a child, girl.
And baby, I love you.

and we say goodbye. what a song to put an end to it all. Cat Stevens.

Ace.

Amidst studying, Angie decided to play a game with us. Four male names to all four Ace cards. So, since I’ve only got one man, Gerard took the first. Then came T, for fun. Then, i ran out of names. So I whacked Rusan and Rapunzel.  Big mistake. Majority of my cards played in favor of the last two. You’re basically supposed to ask various questions regarding the men. Not many fell for G. But a few good ones played well. Apparently, T and I would read books together. joke, really. This leads to only one thing, the game isn’t true. It seemed to play well for both Angie and Sharlane. Just not me. Or maybe I was being an idiot, I shouldn’t have whacked those two names right. I give two people who I don’t even think about, and everything revolves around them.

I thought everything would be you. Cos it always has been. but when have I ever been the one to believe these, right. Moving on, forgetting. The game helped me forget. 

At the crossroad.

you want to say you’re sad, but you’re not. you want to say you’re happy, but you’re not either.

you try to fill the void with love, doesnt work. you try to drown it with alcohol, doesn’t work.

you see everything, yet you see nothing.

maybe, you’re at a crossroad, but you haven’t got much choices.

so you walk around with this look plastered all over your face.

it fools everyone, it fools the world.

yet you come home, and all you feel is a depth of sadness you never knew existed in you.

all you want to do is cry.

don’t you feel stupid?

what the heck are you crying about?

you’re not leading a sad life.

you’re just not.

why did it hit you, of all people?

maybe everyone feels it.

there was once, i was pure, full of faith, and innocent.

now, i’m not even sure what fills me.

the innocence’s been destroyed, so easily.

faith’s just become too invisible to hold on to.

how is it possible to see everything, yet nothing?

i read and i read, and i learn, and i try to pick up new things.

in hope that something i do along the way, would show something closely resembling what i’m looking for.

what i think i’m looking for.

at this point, it feels like anything would be better then feeling this way.

not knowing what you’re feeling.

your heart beats so fast for no apparent reason.

nothing excites you, nothing saddens you.

maybe if you keep the smile, you’d soon believe in it too.

who cares, if its empty right?

i’m tired of the violent shaking.

birthday pleasantries.

it was a great way to bring in the birthday. dinner at the Oasis, followed by drinks at Axis(: thank you R. indeed very kind of you to spin me round to the old song. I enjoyed every moment of it. You managed to make it all nice, especially since its the first birthday without him. You made it all good. Thank you very much.

Tonightttt, I have dinner with my family. yummyyy.

Other than that, I have no clue where I stand for JnB. I am afraid, very afraid.

Thank you, for the gifts. Thank you for everything. Glad to have the scent you like so much. oh, and the incanto! thank you. next year, patrickSTARRR.

oh and thanks everyone for the well wishes(: nice being 16!