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should,would,could have.

the three words i hate, im forced to use. 

i was intending to write a whole entry on how rich people around the world seem to go all out of their way to make lives of those below them pure hell.

but things changed when i read a friend’s entry. today, what happened to me a few years ago, happened to someone i know. someone i have come to like immensely. unfortunately, it was due to my foolishness. my intention of making one person happy and content blew up in someone else’s face. the one thing i always swore i would never partake it, i have fully caused. pure sadness to one i call a friend. betrayal, how i know it hurts. and when you spoke, i felt my entire past engulf me, and i wanted to stab myself ten times over for i knew the discomfort i have caused you.

i wish i could make you see, how i regret, i wish i could go back in time, change all that happened. i would have told her how i felt, i wouldnt have bottled it, like how i’m so used to. my need to keep the friendship going kept me from speaking the truth.  god knows how often i asked myself why trust her, i should be making my own decisions. and i did, though indulging in speaking ill, i still tried my best to play my part as a friend. i always tried to push the time when we had to talk cos my conscience pricked like hell. why allow myself to be influenced by ones opinion? i really don’t have an answer to that.

there isn’t an explanation, there isn’t an excuse. it’s just me, admitting my mistakes and asking for forgiveness. Maybe you could bash the shit out of me, if it would bring back what we had in the past few days, please bash me. i like what we were becoming. it was something i hadn’t experienced.

in this past few days, where it was just you and i, i felt i got to know you for all that you really are. I go to know you as a person, and when i saw how you tried as hell to make me see her point of view. i felt my heart clench, i felt like myself. i just saw myself in you. i saw how my friends took me for a ride, and i went numb. i saw it happening to you. how i hate myself for that.

its been a while since ive hoped this badly for something. but now i hope, and i pray, i get another chance. Just another try. I want to be me. I want to be who i was around you.

I wish i could make your pain go away. I wish i could make it all okay.


One Response

  1. i feel your pain. thats all i can say.

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