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In the mood.

Good evening, I just got off the phone with Razinah.

Thank heavens she’s going to be with me while I attend my first interview.

So anyway, yes, my first interview. While I write this, surprisingly John is singing how how there won’t be any more pictures the next time, for it would be you next to me while I see the world.

How appropriate. Seems the only way Ill be seeing the world is by 3by5s. Godforbid!

Okay okay, i’m digressing. I just don’t know where to start.

Part of me is all full of hope, and another is giving up. Not too slowly, not too steadily. Feels like falling off a cliff.

I think of everything out there that is ours to grab if only we try hard enough, and I smile. I think of such endless possibilities and I feel this surge in my heart. Like anything is possible all of a sudden. The end is not that far after all. I think of everything that could be mine and I don’t see the need to give up. It is, after all, up to me isn’t it? Yes, indeed it is, so now I am so full of hope, I feel I’m about to explode. I feel happy, you know?

Then there’s the other half. Where I’m 21 and I’m stuck in this ditch. Everywhere I turn a door slams. And I wonder, should I regret? Am I supposed to stumble on forward though my shoes are worn and my feet are tired? I think of everything I used to believe in, and I see myself now, and I’m left hopeless. What happened to all those dreams? Suddenly, it isn’t the dream that seems hard to achieve, its the act of getting there that seems impossible. Everyone around me seems to have something to hold on to even if it isn’t what they’ve always dreamt of. But at least there’s a reason to wake up to. I’m grabbing at nothing. I never thought it’d be this tough. I never knew it would take this turn.

My dad thinks I’m the only one who doesn’t need help. Apparently, i do. And I haven’t got anyone to help me. It isn’t that easy, whoever said it was all up to me. Being up to me isn’t that easy. It takes two hands to clap! I do everything I could possibly do, but I’ve gotten nothing in return. What more ought I do?

See what I mean, all of a sudden, everything else is a blur. You know, whats the use of everything else when you havent got the most important thing to move on with life?! Whats the use of family or friends or lovers? You haven’t got anything to wake up for.

Every night I go to bed, seeing the same thing. Nothing’s going to materialize if this keeps up. And therefore, the hope, it just fizzles right from under my nose. And then I think, whats the use of conquering the world, when you barely survive in this city?


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