Serenity

Last night.

last night was bloody weird. I sat here wanting to talk about what happened in the wee hours of the morning when I was supposed to be sleeping, and then I realized the only reason why I was awake at 2 i the morning was because of the kid.

After that conversation with the kid, which I believe was highly inappropriate, since I barely know him, I could not fall asleep. I just sat up thinking of you. Tossing around the fact that I should log on to my email, just to see if you had replied. Eventually, I called Ryan, presuming he wouldn’t pick up after the way I left things on christmas.

But he did, and before you know it, I was in his car on the way to PRP with bottles clinging in the back and a huge grin on my face.  We just kept pouring ourselves nice plastic cups of gin over and over and over. And amidst all that, we spoke of everything. I told him about work, the lack of intensity, passion and interest in life. We spoke of life in general, we spoke of a lot “what ifs” Then he dropped the million dollar question la. The one question I was hoping he would give a miss.

After christmas, everything became so awkward, we never spoke because of how we behaved that night. And he asked me, how I could still take it. And i just couldn’t bring myself to answer him. I didn’t have an answer to that. How sad, I don’t even know what’s holding me back.

It felt nice, sitting there, in that open park, surrounded by all that overwhelming silence, only our voices filling the air. The both of us, fighting to prove we still haven’t lost our sanity, that we still believe in the better good of life. It was funny, how despite everything, Ryan actually came down, and it felt like no time had disappeared between us. The alcohol did make it easier, but it was comfort zone, and I miss having Ryan around to remind me of all the good and bad of everything, to remind me that the world is black and white, and grey never does fit in. Last night, was quiet, happy and familiar. And I miss having that on a regular basis. I think the added perk was him letting me drive back  at 5 in the morning, feeling totally glazed over from the sudden overdose, knowing how lousy a driver I am. And the cons was that I had major trouble waking up this morning, but you know what? Fuck it, i’m so tired of shoving my social life aside in hope that this job would actually bring me some sort of happiness. I’m done believing. So i’m going to drink and be bloody merry!

And just now, during dinner, we all just nodded when Sangeet said she keeps comparing every guy to Ranjiv. Thats exactly what I do, every since you left. Even with Ryan, he never even came close to being anything like you.

And I just cannot seem to get rid of that habit, turning to look at everyguy in a white shirt or khaki pants. Or everytime someone wears Hugo dark blue, I just stand next to them just because I’m so used to that smell on you. Even when I was at the DFS, my first step was to look for lucky strike reds.

I hate that I do it, but i do.

I had what I had, and now that its gone, I’m quite comfortable alone. I like the feeling of walking in to a house,empty. No one to talk to, no one to answer to. Just taking off my shoes, putting my feet up and having a drink, channel surfing and smoking, all at the same time! I’m really looking forward to that. And when i finally leave, to pursue my life, this will all fall into place.

Like Ryan said, what you see every night before you fall asleep, will be your motivation. And this is what I see.

 

the kid spoke and spoke. And then he said, “so you’re angry at yourself, because you have failed to become what you wanted all along” The only person I’ve ever had a conversation about that was you.  It felt weird that someone else other than you, managed to figure it out. That was probably when it hit me, the kid’s not safe.

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